...and they speak Spanish in that place.

The problem is...my Spanish is a little...how you say...rusty. FURTHERMORE, I am becoming increasingly enamored with the idea of being a cowboy, or at least someone who wrangles things, lives on a property with saloon doors, and has the privilege of yelling "GRUB'S ON CHITLINS!" while clanging around on one of those jazzy triangular dinner bells at mealtimes. Finally, and perhaps, dare I say, the most important fact of all - I look damn foxy in chaps.
Anyhow, the time I spend trying to realize the frontier fantasy life of my alter-ego Tumbleweed Wilson is really cutting into the time I should be devoting to boning...
up on my Spanish. Christ.
According to the Rosetta Stone radio advert, I COULD BE SPEAKING A NEW LANGUAGE IN JUST MINUTES. I hear this ad approximately 5 times a day on The Dove's smooth radio waves, which perpetually infiltrate the thrift shop of dreams where I work/try on ass-less chaps for the amusement of the paid employees. While these commercials/auditory hostage situations did not motivate me to buy their product, the people at Rosetta Stone did spur me to action. SPURSPURSPUR - even my diction suffers from the buckaroo bug I caught from Clint Eastwood and Johnny Cash a while back.
Alas, I digress. Back to the real shit.
One morning, as I simultaneously admired the ingenious craftsmanship of my English muffin and my own reflection in the toaster oven, a sobering thought struck me. Even this fucking adorable face of mine won't be enough to pull me through the linguistic trenches of these next few months. Luckily, experience has taught me that having a few, well thought out phrases tucked away in your back pocket can be an invaluable resource when traveling abroad. Usually, I wait until the plane lands to come up with these numbers, but thanks to Rosetta Stone's urging, I'm going to seize the moment and start stockpiling NOW. Here's what I've come up with so far. Suck it, RS.

• Is the water safe to drink? - Es potable el agua?
  
• May I purchase some of your lovely handicrafts? - Puedo comprar algunas de tus artesanias preciosas?
• My intestines are in great distress! - Mis intestinos estan sufriendo mucho!
• Why yes, I'd LOVE to do a pisco shot with you! - Por su puesto! Me encantaria tomar un trago de pisco contigo!
• Please disregard my intoxicating beauty. I am already spoken for by a tall white man in America. - Por favor, no hagas caso de mi belleza embriagadora. Ya tengo novio - un gringo alto que vive en los Estados unidos.
• Cover your eyes! The vultures fly low tonight! - Cubre tus ojos!! Los buitres vuelan bajo este noche.
  
• I like walruses because they have harems and often roll over on their young. Whether this occurs accidently or on purpose is not important to me. - Me encantan las morsas porque los varones tienen harenes y a veces tambien se giran sobre los bebes. No me importa si esto occure a proposito o sin querer.

These should do for now.






If you can't afford the fuel, pray you get the passion
To keep the spirit rolling and get on out of here - Get to leave, Howe Gelb